I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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