Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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