i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
