1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize