I am spending my child support on dildos
Michael Bay diarrhea
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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