i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize