Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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