fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize