I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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