i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
