I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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