I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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