omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
