Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
