This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
