conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
PANTIES FOUND
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