If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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