If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
What a dumb baby whore.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
