My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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