We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize