i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
