i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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