So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
