party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
