I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
