I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize