So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
