i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
