to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize