I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
