I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize