What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
