Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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