The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
