Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
