Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
