Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I could make wine with my vomit
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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