I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
babies were throwing up all over the place
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
