not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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