Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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