She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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