I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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