That's intense
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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