my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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