so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
