Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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