well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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