i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
