So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
