I cannot find my penis.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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