I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
