We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
