Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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