i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
