the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
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