I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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